Saturday, my brother picked me up in the afternoon. I met two of his friends…a young couple…and they told me that the girl used to be from LA but moved here recently to be with the guy. They had first met through HALO…they were playing online and met each other there. *Note to self: Must start playing online video games* We went to my brother’s girlfriend’s house and played Rock Band….sooo much fun to play that thing! I’m not much of a rocker so I didn’t know much of the songs…but I loved playing the drums=P I wish I had my own Xbox!

After playing a little guitar and drums, it was time to go clubbing downtown with some Pinay friends (actually, they’re the friends of my brother’s girlfriend but they always tag me along because they feel sorry for me that I have no friends here=P hehe). Now I had worn one of my cleavage-revealing tops….my nicest high heeled shoes….I blow-dried my hair…and spent some time putting on makeup and glitters. But when I saw the girls going with me…yikes! I looked like I was going to go to the market instead of clubbing. They were wearing sexy tops, lots of makeup and had curls on their hair! They made an emergency makeover on me and vamp-ified my makeup by rubbing eyeliner on my eyes. *Note to self: Must invest in eyeliner and dark eyeshadow…must get rid of my kiddie glitter makeup*

When we finally got downtown, I instantly regretted wearing my killer heels cuz we had to do a lot of walking. This isn’t really my first time clubbing in the US…I’ve gone clubbing in San Fo and San Jose but I was with a guy so no one bothered me and he paid for everything. This time, I was with four girls (all Pinays) and I had to pay for myself. Good thing we were on the guest list so we didn’t have to pay full price.

As usual, the gate people had to check and double check my ID…I still use my Philippine passport because I don’t have a California ID yet…and some usually still ask me if I have any other proof of my age. Gawd…I’m 27!!!! 

The moment I entered the bar…I wanted to instantly hit the dance floor…I miss clubbing so much for the dancing! It was kind of like Embassy and Alchemy where there were different areas…I liked the area playing hip hop. Again, I was the oldest one in our group…but they had to teach me what to order…I had ‘Sex on the Beach’…and I felt woozy after barely finishing a glass.

Clubbing in the States is pretty much like clubbing in the Philippines…except that girls are 10 times sluttier and guys are 10 times more aggressive. I swear, I felt like a manang there! I kept telling my friend…”I think that girl forgot to wear pants”…”Uhh…I didn’t know you can go to a bar in just a bra and a panty”….”HWAT are they doing!?!”

(Here are pics of what it’s like here. These were taken the same night we were there…a club called Belo in downtown San Diego.)
Since we weren’t cool enough to be part of the event pics…I just posted our own pics here=P…or at least the ones emailed to me=P

And my…the MEN!…they would just suddenly grab you and grind against your back! They don’t even ask…they just grab you! One of our friends had the most guys grabbing her….because, as the other explained to me, she was wearing a skirt. Lesson #1: If you’re wearing a skirt in a bar, you will get grabbed a lot because it’s easy access. Everytime a guy would grab her, she would turn to me and talk in Tagalog “Ano itsura?? Okay ba?” (She can’t see because the guy would be grinding her from behind) and I would look and yell “Hinde, PANGET!”. If she hears the guy is ugly, she will then signal to our other friend to rescue her. They will first attempt to pry her away from the guy. If that doesn’t work, they pretend to be lesbian by screaming I love you to each other. Lesson #2: If you need to escape some guy, pretend you are lesbian. I don’t really get how that works.

It was during the song…the all-time favorite ‘gasgas’ song “Low” that a manyak guy grabbed me and started grinding up against my back. His entire group of guys had grabbed our entire group of girls. And I was looking to my friends to rescue me…but they were all busy with their respective ‘grabbers’. Apparently, they thought they were cute because they couldn’t see their faces. As fate would have it though, I got the most manyak one of them. He kept grinding and dry-humping me. I swear, I can feel his poypoy against me. What the hell! He asked my name and I was stupid enough to reply with my real name…but he apparently thought my name was Tammy because he was looking for me after I finally escaped him…and he kept saying “Where’s Tammy? Have you seen Tammy? Where did Tammy go?” My friend said that everytime she goes clubbing, she uses her ‘club name’ Anna. I didn’t know you needed to have a club name. Lesson #3: Always prepare your ‘club name’ and your ‘club number’. From now on, my club name will be Tammy. Tammy Tamudi…how’s that?

The guy grinding up my back said his name was Vince and he kept asking me if I wanted to go to the bar and have a drink. I kept yelling NO THANK YOU! He smelled drunk and I’m sure he was because he kept yelling that I was hot. Ade, my supportive friend,  said that would be called beer goggles because no one would think I was hot or cute.  

Vince, the manyak dry-humper, asked me my age…and I just yelled back “I’m too old for you!” Which I assumed I was. That didn’t stop him because he started to put his hands on places his hands shouldn’t be. And that’s when I gave my friends my ‘alarmed’ look. I’m getting molested here! Finally, I pulled myself away and took my bag. Molester grabbed my hand and said, “Where are you going? Let’s drink at the bar!” I ran to the ladies room.

Grinding/Dry-humping while dancing:

(Look at the black guy…he’s almost orgasm-ing or something)

The formula here is crotch-to-butt=P

We decided to go home after that. My friend said “I’ve had enough cock rubbed against me for the night!”. YOu said it sister!

So my night’s summary:

My contribution for gas: $10

Entrance to the club: $10

Sex on the Beach: $12

Tip to bartender: $1

Having cock grinded up against my back all night: priceless

I had a lot of fun. And I’m glad I finally have friends to take me out. I wonder what awaits me this coming weekend!

For the past few months, I have been complaining about how bored I am. Bored. Bored. Bored. I kept telling people I was bored to death…bored to tears…nothing to do in this God foresaken place.

BAM!

My aunt finds out that I know a little of Photoshop and decides that, to save her office money, they will make me do the layouts for their brochures. Suddenly…just when I was planning to go out on dates and go into vlogging…I was swamped with ‘work’! I have to work on the brochure and website even on weekends! And they’re not only making me do the layout, I also have to stand by the printer and produce the actual fliers. From being bored to death…I was suddenly sooo busy that I had to turn down dates! Wth! And now, it’s taking away my social life!…or at least what little social life I have here. Also, it is giving me eye bags…ugh.

They’re not the easiest ‘clients’ either. The owner would give me instructions…then after I follow his instructions…he would change his mind and make corrections again on his own text. Once, he encircled this part of the text and said, “Can you make this bigger?” So I made the text bigger. After several revisions on other parts of the brochure, he came to me the next day and says to me, “Why is the text here bigger? Make it smaller so it doesn’t look disproportionate.” Argh! Didn’t he just tell me to make it bigger?! Also, I have to keep reminding them that I.AM.NOT.A.GRAPHIC.ARTIST. I’m just doing it for them because my aunt told me to. And they think just cuz you know Photoshop, you can already do professional editing. One of them asked me if I could ‘fix’ his necktie because it was crooked. Then asked me to make his bald head less shiny. A woman asked me to please remove her double chin and “that thing that makes me look like I have a moustache’. Waahhh! I’m not a magician! This is exactly why I didn’t want to work on the agency side before. I don’t have the patience for clients. I would rather be the irrational client account managers hate=P

___ 

I had been telling people here about how my stepmom would always come home from work at around 3 in the afternoon and just lie down all day and watch TV. She would complain about how tired she was. I came to the conclusion that she was lazy. I mean, c’mon…I used to work 12 hours in a day. She came home at 3pm! How can she be THAT tired! My aunt also gossips to me about it and tells me she’s so lazy to just be sitting around the house when she’s not doing much anyway.

BAM!

My dad asked me last week to go help out my stepmom for one day because she was going to be doing a lot for that day. She does merchandising for a fake flower company. She goes to the Wal-mart branches that carry her flowers and checks out the displays, etc. So since we’re shifting from winter to spring, she needs to put in a whole set of new stuff. So I go there…to help her out at Wal-mart…which was actually cool because I’ve never done that before. I got to see the warehouse…and wanted to pocket some of the groceries there…I also got to go around and shop a little.

My stepmom gave me just two things. A cutter and a pair of pliers. Those are my tools she said.

My golly, I had to carry boxes…open boxes…fix shelves…cut stuff out…clean…take out price stickers…And that was only half of the stuff my stepmom did! By 3pm, we were done…and my shoulders were in pain!

I will never call my stepmom lazy again.

__

My dad always scrimps on things. One thing he scrimps on is haircuts. He was the one who once dragged me to the barber when I wanted to go to a salon. So last week, he goes to the cheap barber again to get a haircut. A Mexican lesbian barber was assigned to cut his hair. Because she didn’t speak English well, my dad decided to use the fact that Tagalog is sometimes similar to Spanish to his advantage. He pointed to the lesbian’s hairdo and he said “Pareho!” And the Mexican understood it. She proceeds to cutting my dad’s hair.

My dad came home…and HE.LOOKED.LIKE.A.DYKE.

I was laughing my ass off. I called him my stepmom’s butch lesbian lover. He had short spikey hair that only the hardcore tibo’s in the Philippines sport=P

BAM!

I wanted to have my hair cut last weekend because it has grown super long and not so nice. I wanted to be pretty for when I go out again on dates. I know I can’t get my dad to pay for it because he would rather sell his soul to the devil than pay for a $20 haircut. So my baby brother drove me to Supercuts on Saturday to get my haircut. My brother and his girlfriend both swear by Supercuts. But I forgot one tip they gave me. They said I’d have to look through celebrity photos and tell them which celebrity’s hairdo I want. I would’ve said Lindsay Lohan but I lost track of her hairdo. So I just told the lady to make it layered. The Mexican (yes, she was also Mexican) girl gave me such a fugly cut! And I can’t have it repaired by another stylist anymore because she cut parts of it too short! I look like DARIA!

And this morning, as I was walking along the horse trail (my exercise cuz I’m getting fat!), a golf ball almost hit me! If I had not taken a step forward, I would’ve been conked by a golf ball. When I told my friend about this, he said, ”Was it a bad-hairdo-seeking-missile golf ball?” Waaahhhh!!!=( I’m going to go into hiding now till my hair grows out=( 

PS. sorry I just linked the pics…something wrong with my wp…it won’t post pics=T

PPS. Okay, I lied…I don’t actually have dates…but it’s good to keep one’s hair nice just in case=P

Now, I’m 27…and I find myself having enough idle timeto have a handful of crushes once again. But it’s no longer the innocent grade school crush where I would fantasize about meeting them and holding their hands and maybe getting a peck on the cheek from them. Now it’s more of a nakakalaglag-panty-ka hardcore crush that won’t pass the MTRCB.

(You will now see Sorsi at her chaka-est…)

#1 on my list, of course, is DAVID COOK! Every Tuesday I watch American Idol on our big screen TV and I honestly do not care about the other Idols…all I want to watch is David Cook. And when he is singing….I find myself smiling…and when he smiles…I feel something stir inside me…and I want to tell him…Please pakasal na tayo.

Most nakakalaglag panty moment: When he did his rendition of my favorite Mariah Carey song…(i’m sure you’ve seen a vid of this somewhere…if not, where have you been that past two weeks?!?)

#2 on my list is Robert Kevin Rose, co-founder of Digg. He is cute…he is smart…he is probably rich. I first found out about him when my brother showed me a Digg Nation video and I was hooked. I did a very stalker thing to do and added him up on my Twitter. I added Alex Albrecht too para hindi halata! And everytime Kevin (close kami) live streams something like while he is golfing or rock climbing…I watch. Why can’t all geeks be this cute. I would definitely go for a cute geek…so that my kids will be both smart and good-looking. To Kevin, I say Anakan mo ako sige na!

Is he gay? Hope not!

#3 on my list is this year’s bachelor in The Bachelor.  His name is Matt Grant and he has an English accent….soooo sexy=P I actually hate that show…The Bachelor. I never watched it before. But one time, I was scanning through the channels and I chanced upon it…and for some reason, I was drawn to it even if I thought the show was stupid. It was because of the very tall…very clean…very gallant-looking bachelor. He is such a gentleman. He is what I imagine Prince William to be. He is nice to all the women and treats them very well. You can’t help but gush when he’s around. The only thing that got me turned off is that he is kissing every girl in that show! WTH! He is just like all them jerks too I suppose=P

But if he still hasn’t contracted herpes…i would so want to date him.

#4 on my list are the Jabbawockeez. I dunno if you guys are familiar with the dance show Randy Jackson produced called America’s Best Dance Crew but I followed it here in the US. And I was a big fan of the Jabbawockeez. They’re mostly Filipinos. But I have a crush on the Vietnamese guy. He is so cute…and such a great dancer! I wanted to go to a club here in San Diego where they were performing 2 weeks ago but no one would take me    =( So I just sat in front of the computer and watched their performances on YouTube. I also clicked on them on Friendster and became their ‘fan’. I loooove men who can dance….because you know what they say about men who can dance right? *wink wink*

Err…oh yah, they dance with masks on but there’s a cute Vietnamese guy there somewhere=P

#5 on my list are MEN IN UNIFORM. No, that’s not some new group like the Village People…I mean men in uniform in general. Uniforms are so hot. Big Bird picked me up last week in his uniform and I swear, I almost pounced at him like a cat in heat. But the thing is…before, I just liked the way men in uniform looked because they looked so crisp and macho. It’s no different from how I would ogle at the guys having ROTC when I was in college. But having met some actual ones here, I found out that even their attitudes are very macho. I get tingles every time they say “Yes ma’am!”….ooohhh yeahhh=P They are also very gentlemanly for some reason…maybe part of their training. And they just exude so much man juice that I find myself licking my lips as much as David Archuleta does. One of my married friends here told me she once had an affair with a white Navy dude and she said to me “He f*cked my brains out!” There’s also something in them that just commands attention and respect. The turn off’s for me are that I heard they could get a bit cocky too…too much man juice can do that I guess. And they can also get very bossy. My stepmom said she once went on a date with an officer from the marines and he just kept barking orders. Also, although I am talking here about American men in uniform, there are as expected, a lot of Filipinos in the military. And from that group, I’ve heard a lot of horror stories about their womanizing while deployed in another country.

I am sorry, dear brave men in uniform…but for this moment I objectify you and ogle you because uniforms are sexy.

(Warning: for adults only=P haha!)

So there you go…my current crush list…men who make me go “oooohh sexy time!!!”=P

Oh and let’s not forget my if-i-were-a-lesbian-crush. It’s none other than Kim Kardashian! I wish I had her body! I always try to catch “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” on Sundays…and i just enjoy watching it for some reason…i’m just mesmerized in front of the TV.

I didn’t know I just lived in Pampered-ville.

When I got here, I was still proud of my traditional wife qualities. “They taught us to do things in Home Economics class in school!”

However, I found out that there was no need for my skills here. People have dishwashers so I don’t have to wash dishes. People have washing machines and dryers…and usually, the clothes don’t need ironing anymore when it comes out of the dryer. They have easy-to-use vaccuum cleaners and Swiffer cleaners…no need to make ‘bunot’ and wax the floors. People even have computerized sewing machines!

Also, men here also live on their own from a young age…and so they know how to do pretty much everything too. Take this conversation I had with a guy I was coyly flirting with…

(We were talking about cooking skills and he turned out to be better at it than me) 

Me: Well…I fail at cooking. But I succeed in washing dishes, cleaning bathrooms, and doing laundry!

Boy: That’s great….but uhhh….I can do all that too.

Take also the case of Big Bird, the guy I’ve been hanging out with. He cooked Shrimp and Pasta in Alfredo Sauce for me and it was better than the one served at Chili’s! One time, he said he will cook hotdogs for lunch since they don’t have anything else in the ref. So I was expecting something like our Tender Juicy hotdogs. I was excited because I love Tender Juicy hotdogs and it was okay for a quick lunch. Then I saw him chopping stuff and cooking something in a saucepan. I said, “What the hell are you doing?” And he said, “I’m making chili for the chili hotdogs”. I said, “From scratch??” He said, “You’ve never had a chili hotdog made for you before?” I said, “Errr…the only chili hotdogs I’ve had are from 7-Eleven in the Philippines”

He also spent $600 on a cool set of kitchen knives. It had several knives…for different purposes…and he will probably use all of them. In my apartment in the Philippines…I had only ONE knife. I used it for chopping all kinds of food….I used it to ‘dikdik’ ice from the freezer…I used it to open packages…I once even used it to hammer my bed.

I thought, well hey, it’s just cooking anyway. If I had a recipe, I could cook too you know.

But one day, he showed me his shorts…”Look what I did with my shorts! It had a hole so I got my sewing machine and I patched it up by…blah blah blah”….Me: “Err…you have a sewing machine??? You know how to sew???”  Big Bird: “Uh yah…my mom was a seamstress so I know how to do stuff on the sewing machine. So if you like need me to let out some dresses or anything, I can do that”….He also said he can do stitching too. I can’t even do a decent running stitch!

And don’t get me wrong…Mr. Big Bird, although adept in the kitchen and in sewing…is not a sissy boy. He can also fix cars, fix stuff around the house, mess around with electronics and all those boy stuff.

He keeps on requesting for me to cook something for him and I just keep telling him I’ll feed him balut so he’d shut up about it.

I once bragged I can take care of babies (that’s probably something he can’t do) but it turns out he is also better at it than me because he had to take care of two younger siblings. I also once had the experience of watching him iron his uniform as I sat on the couch doing nothing but watch TV.  I used to iron clothes for men!

What can I do that he can’t??

Err…I can do splits!?!

Ah…but then he also took dance and ballet classes when he was young. (Again, not gay! His family was ‘cultured’)

I just realized I was a bit pampered all my life too (I’m in no way saying I’m the typical Filipina…as I know regular Filipinos and Filipinas know a lot more  than me=P I realize now I had been a bit pampered too after all since I didn’t know how to do a lot of things)! And in the land of America where they are mostly independent….my skills are sooo lacking! I realized there are so many things I don’t even know how to do.

What is my unique selling proposition now? All I can do better than the men here is bear babies. And I would still need their sperm to do that!

I was feeling down about it until I realized…well, you know what, if I took my work experience in the Philippines and I worked for the corporate world here….I would probably be earning more than them guys!!! I have a spankin’ college degree from Ateneo de Manila University! (it’s not uncommon here for some people to not have college degrees so that still gets me pogi points) I am smart! I worked in upper management! Ha! Those things count for something!

But for now, I shut up….because so far, I’m still a bum here.

I’m just gonna sit back and relax as these men cook for me. Equality of the sexes pala ha…sige, magluto kayo diyan at uupo lang ako at manunuod ng tv=P

And maybe I’ll secretly enroll in cooking and sewing classes as well….=P

If American Idol were a ‘relationship/lovelife’ competition and I were one of the contestants, I could imagine Simon saying to me …

“To be honest with you Sorsi, not a real good song choice there” (gets…song=man)

“At this point in the competition your life, song choice is really important and you didn’t choose the right song for you…sorry!”

“This song did not really go well with your personality”

“Horrendous”

“That was a complete disaster”

And I would be the Sanjaya of the group…always at the bottom 3.

A friend of mine who has been privy to my ‘horrendous’ choices recently sent me this article. I’m sure you don’t have much time to look through it so here it is in a nutshell:

The title says: Looking for love or lust? Your face gives it away. Facial features tell if someone wants commitment or casual sex study says.

So two things entered my mind…

1. When I tried the test to see which guy was after just sex and which was after commitment, I failed. This will explain the last few years of my life with non-commital jerks. I hate men who look like girls (Jason Castro is that you=P). I want my men scruffy and macho and manly. Apparently, those macho-looking guys are more commonly the ones just after a fling. It figures because wouldn’t they also be the ones with more testosterone?

Testosterone is the root of all evil.

More testosterone=bigger cock=higher likelihood of cheating (I read this off a magazine…it was a study, I swear!)

More testosterone=more manly features=man after sex only

Oh and my doctor says I also have testosterone in my body…which is causing some polyps or whatever…so again…testosterone=bad!  

2. WHY do men think I’m not for a serious relationship? Does my face register “fling” material?

I have always been a ’serious relationship’ kind of girl (I swear). I work well within a relationship…I don’t cheat or anything like that…I am focused and committed. But my last relationship has been about 4 years ago. Instead, I’ve had non-commital jerks. They seem to be the only ones who want to approach me…these non-commital a-holes…why is that?

So here are some of my ‘faces’. Can you tell me which one registers “casual sex” material and which one registers “serious relationship” material so I can always put THAT face on?

a.

b.

c.

d.

e.

f.

Then again…I guess in hindsight, some good men do approach me…but as my ex told me, I probably shut myself out to them because I find myself more attracted to the ‘bad boy’ types. Tsk tsk….wala ba akong panalo dito?

I was listening to a couple guy friends here talking about their ex girlfriends (American). They both just recently broke up with their girlfriends and they were telling me what big b*tches they were. Boy1 said that his ex would yell obscenities at him when they fight…”F you you stupid mother-f-er!” Boy2 said his ex would get physical with him in a fight…she even brought out a knife once. Boy1 and Boy2 both said their exes would get irrationally jealous at everything! Even if they both were extremely faithful.

My eyes were wide open with shock as they told me their ex-gf horror stories…and they started to really go “wala ka sa lolo ko” on me…one-upping each other. I mean…I thought that I was a big b*tch already….but the stories they told me made me look like a saint. I never cussed like that to any of my boyfriends or boylets…(except when I got here…I learned to use the words f*ck and shit a lot cuz I hung out with a Fil-Am)…I would usually say things like “You are vile”, “You are a bad person”, “I resent you”…instead of saying “F you you mother-f-er”. I did get jealous but only if I had evidence to support it…so I’d call mine rational jealousy (Boy 2’s ex gf once threw away Boy 2’s shirt without his permission only because she saw a picture of him with some other old ex gf and he was wearing that shirt in the pic). And although a couple guys have complained that I was a brat sometimes, I still made up for it by being sweet and submissive for the most part. I also know my friends are not like that when they fight with their boyfriends. Boy1 and Boy2 said maybe it’s different with Filipinas but the girls here in the US can be real b*tches (they were the ones who said it!). My brother said that the women here are like that because they can get away with it…depending on how gorgeous they are.

But here’s the thing…Boy1 and Boy2 and most boys for that matter…say that they hate b*tchy girls and they hate ‘drama’…but I think they secretly like it. For example, Boy1 stayed with his b*tchy drama queen girlfriend (take note, she had to take pills to suppress her pms-like moodiness…imagine a girl with pms the whole year round!) for three years. boy2 stayed with his b*tchy drama queen girlfriend who had previously cheated on him but he forgave her… for 5 years! I know a lot of guys who stayed with b*tches and drama queens for a looooong time…and they can’t stay faithful to good girls! I said to them, “Well, you know what they say, good guys end up with b*tches and good girls end up with bad boys…” And boy1 said, “Yah, and when good girl meets good guy…they don’t fall in love with each other!”

Just as girls have a thing for bad boys…I think boys have a thing for b*tches and drama queens. My friend says there’s even a book called “Why Men Love B*tches” but I haven’t seen that. I remember, during my earlier relationships, I was a real b*tch…and my boyfriends loved me and took real good care of me. Until one day, I had a bad fight with an ex and I decided to be a nice submissive girl. What happened? The guys started taking me for granted and they abused the nice-ness. I guess I have to go back to the way I was when I used to emasculate my men.

I don’t know the ‘why’ of it…why do good guys like b*tches? I have a friend who is the biggest brat of all and she never runs out of boyfriends…and they are super rich guys too. If the only way to bag a good guy is to be a total b*tch…then count me in…I’m gonna be one!

Here are some things I can do to up my b*tchiness towards a guy…

1. Throw trantrums

2. Be happy one minute then suddenly get mad.

3. Suddenly get real quiet and when asked “What’s wrong?”…say “Nothing” and look away meaningfully.

4. Snoop around his place for pictures of ex girlfriends and yell at him, “You still love her don’t you?! Don’t you!!!!”

5. Secretly take Brazilian Jujitsu classes. Start an argument. Start using Brazilian Jiujitsu moves. If he so much as defends himself, accuse him of being a wife beater.

6. While he is seriously watching a game or some movie on tv, insist on having a heart to heart talk about the relationship and where it’s heading.

7. Get jealous of women who are part of his family…like his female cousin who he was hugging in a picture…or his sister who he said I love you to. “Who’s that girl?” “She’s my cousin” “Yeah right! You’re f*cking her aren’t you!” “She’s my cousin!!!” “I don’t hug my cousins like that…”

8. Pick a fight with him in front of his buddies and cry really, really hard…like Maalaala Mo Kaya hard…

9. Order him around

10. Withhold sex to control him

Wow, if I do all these, the good guys will all start flocking towards me.

I think another secret is not to be b*tchy at once. Because they’re going to be turned off if they instantly see you are a b*tch. From what I heard, women here have two phases. The ‘dating’ phase where they are super nice and love to have sex all the time….and the “Gotcha phase” where they already have the man in a relationship and they start showing their b*tchy side and guess who’s the boss now eh! And guess who’s gonna be suddenly deprived of sex! But the guy can’t do anything now cuz he’s hooked!

Haaay…what I would give for a good guy…

So, my male readers…is it true that you guys love b*tches? And if yes….WHY the hell do you?

GL=Gay lawyer, F1=friend 1, F2=friend 2

GL: So how is 6-2? (What he calls the 6′2″ guy I’ve been ‘hanging out’ with…see previous post)

Me: Oh, we’re still ‘hanging out’

GL: Well, all you’re gonna be is ‘hanging out’ until you put out girl.

F1: Oh c’mon. That’s not what he’s thinking.

GL: Oh girls, I’m just telling you the truth here. That is what a normal American guy would be thinking. It may be different from what you Filipinas know but American guys are like that. Like he’s thinking right now he’s going to hang out with Cathy but he’ll still leave things open in case a hot broad would be willing to give him some punani! So unless Cathy gives him some punani, they’ll just be hanging out.

F2: So you think he likes Cathy?

GL: Well, he must like her because he talks to her and takes her out. But if he is a normal American dude, he’s got just one thing on his mind. It’s like that unless he’s someone who has good values and all.

Me: But he’s very nice and gentlemanly so he might be that kind of guy who has good values.

GL: I dunno…but those military guys are like the worst…they’re the most perverted you know…

Me: Why, because they’re deprived of girls

GL: Well, cuz they’re around all this testosterone so they push each other. Like you girls may be talking about 6-2 but he could also be talking to his friends about you. Like they’re going to say “So how’s that Asian girl? you gotta tap that man!” And when they get stationed overseas…c’mon, they buy off girls from different countries.

F2: WHAT!

Me: I thought Americans liked Asians because of all those Asian pornos.

GL: I think it’s because of all the wars. Vietnam war, Korean war…then we have all those bases. Many Americans would come home bringing Asian wives with them. And they came back with stories about Asian women. For a while you know, American women actually resented you Asian women because of that.

Me: They told me that Filipinas had a ‘bad’ reputation in the navy. They say Filipina girls may seem timid and reserved but they’re wild in bed. They said Filipinas are great at sex and that it’s in our blood that we’re really good.

GL: Yah…see…that’s how they think about you. Like in that movie where this guy gets a Filipina mail order bride and she can shoot ping pong balls off her p***y!

Me: Ugh…so I guess I should just stick with Filipino huh?

GL: Aw c’mon, Filipino men are the same way too. All men think like that.

F1: So how long before you have to put out?

GL: Well in Gay world, I only lasted 3 days before I had sex with BF. But you guys are in straight world so I guess about 3 weeks…that’s long.

F1: So did you guys hang out last weekend?

Me; Yah, last Sunday.

F2: Cathy accidentally walked in on his hot roommate while he was pooping in the bathroom!

Me: Yah, it was so embarrassing. But in fairness, he was still sexy even if he was pooping.

GL: Oh did you offer him a blumpkin?

Me: A what???

GL: A blumpkin!

Me; What the hell is that?

GL: It’s when you give a guy a bl** j** while he’s pooping.

Me, F1, F2: Ewwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is soooo grosss!!!!

GL: So what did we learn today?

F1: What a blumpkin is.

Me: To put out or hang out forever.

Waaahhh!

Lucky for me, I was wrong. There is a market after all for diminutive mixed-breed Asians with braces and thunder thighs here in America. My track record has been bad so far…the only people who have hit on me were horny-looking old Mexicans, dirty old men, and horny-looking young Asians. But I found out there was this white dude who liked me. Unfortunately, he is 32 years old and has no job and is an ex-convict. My aunt warned me several times “He’s going to rape you! He’s going to rape you!” Well, he didn’t rape me. In fact, we had a very long conversation and he did warn me to be careful of American men because most of them would only be after ‘one thing’.

A few Saturdays ago, I was invited to lunch by my stepmom’s cousin. She and her husband were going to take me out to introduce me to some guy. They had already invited me two Saturdays prior to that but of course, I found a way to escape it that time. But then I realized, what the heck, I’m just bumming around here anyway (at sabi ni ate Aileen, go lang nang go!). And so off I went. Historically, I’ve had terrible luck in the set-up date department. I had been paired up with a geek who talked for an hour about photosynthesis once….a guy who looked like he could be my father another time…so I wasn’t really optimistic on this one. And lo and behold, I got out of the car and there was the guy…he was white, had hazel eyes…and yah….he was 6′2″!!! Who in their right minds would set up a 4′8″ girl with a 6′2″ guy!!!

The lunch went okay. I guess because of my lowered expectations…and because they can’t understand my English. After lunch, it got better. It was like ”Before Sunrise”, two people just talking nonstop while walking…except that it’s set against the backdrop of an American park instead of Vienna. And although the thought that he was more than one ruler taller than me kept flashing in my mind, I did enjoy myself. And so now, I have unwittingly entered the world of dating in America. 

Only…I’m not really ‘dating’.

Like I said in a previous post…things were a lot easier in the Philippines, at least traditionally. Boy meets girl, boy courts girl, boy asks girl to be girlfriend, they’re in a relationship. When I told this to my new American friends, they laughed at me for a good minute and said, “You’re not gonna get that here in America missy!” Here in America, things are different. They have what is called ‘hanging out’. You can be hanging out for a year and you’d still not be on ‘dating’ status or relationship status. The whole thing is confusing to me. Like when I asked a friend, she said she and this guy are not in a relationship. They had been ‘hanging out’ for 2 years. Wow…hanging out for 2 years!?!

So I asked Gay Lawyer about it. He said that hanging out means that you go out and hang out but you are not exclusive yet (he can still see other women). Dating is when you guys are exclusively going out with each other BUT not yet in a relationship. wth!!! He said that usually, the hanging out phase should only last about 3 months.  And usually, a guy will hang out with you until he can get inside your pants.

Wow, it’s a lot harder here.  

After 2 weeks of experiencing ‘hanging out’…it had turned out to be fun after all. We usually just sit around watching tv with his hot black roommate (friends would think this is Sorsi-haven since I’m around a tall white guy and a be-muscled black guy who are both men in uniform=P). We watch Discovery Channel, comedies, cool movies….and unfortunately, I sometimes get stuck with sports. What’s great though is I get to learn a lot. I’m learning a lot about the culture here. I’m getting to experience things I only see in the movies. I’m learning to speak better English. Also, I am now doing stuff instead of just sitting around at home (I haven’t even been able to blog much because I’ve been away from the computer). I now have friends who are my age. 

I guess we do have an equivalent for this in the Philippines. Isn’t this just like a “boylet”?=P 

The funny thing is that my dad had been bugging me for a long time now about going out and finding a boypren. But now that I’m actually going out, he doesn’t seem to be happy about it! The Americans are also laughing at me because I’m already 27 years old but I still have to ask permission everytime I go out.  Well, that’s what happens when you leave the Philippines and live with your parents again.

 These two girls dream of being on “America’s Next Top Model”…guess who will get picked and who will not eh?

This girl is 17 years old and she is more than a ruler taller than me! A friend of mine told me one time, as we were watching some Americans, that what sucks about being around all those white people is that we get to see our genetic inferiorities. I mean, these people are born that way…tall, skinny…they don’t have to take growth balls or whatnot. No effort at all…they’re just tall and skinny. And here I am…born with genes that gave me big thighs and a height that people say “ows?? Imposible!” to. Just look at the picture…does anyone else notice that my boobs begin where her legs end??? Waaahhhh!!! Cruel world!

On the other hand…I am a smart Asian=P hehehe!

***

I met a Filipina girl a few weeks ago. And being a curious lil’ girl, I asked her my usual Boy Abunda questions…’Andyan ang salamin, ano ang nais mong sabihin sa mga magulang mo..’ I asked her about her life here as an immigrant…about her work…how she adjusted, etc. And as I went on with my showbiz interview, she revealed to me that she has had relationships with white men. And so I asked her how they compare to Filipinos. She said to me, “Oh…they’re not sweet…”

It’s weird but so far, I’ve received bad feedback from Filipinas about white men. One warned they’re players, they’re immature…one gay Filipino told me long ago that white men are ‘big’ but ‘can’t stay hard’. But whenever I ask a white guy about Filipinas, they have pretty good experiences with them (except Filipinas who were born here and Americanized). If you also ask my stepmom who married a Filipino (my dad), she also has good feedback about him. It seems that white men like Filipinas because we are more subservient (and not bitchy as they said) than western girls. Americans who end up with Filipino men (I haven’t seen a lot of that) are happy because the Filipino men are sweet and nicer. So what does this say about us?=P Da best tayo pare!  (okay okay, I’m not serious so don’t start a race issue with me=P)

Oh, but back to the Pinay I met though…I asked her why she said white men aren’t sweet and she said, “Well, kasi pag alam mo yun, pag nagpapakipot tayo…usually diba pag pinoy yun eh hahabulin ka…pag sa amerikano, pag nagpakipot ka eh ia-assume nila na you meant what you said so di ka talaga hahabulin.” Acheche! Pakipot lang pala!

***

When I was in the Philippines, I thought I had perfect English. I mean c’mon…I’m from THE Ateneo…I had conyo friends who would sometimes let me sit at the conyo bench…my best subject is English…I scored a 117/120 on my TOEFL…I always host events…so I must be pretty good. Ugh…over here, I have a probinsyana-twang! I’ve already touched on this topic before on my previous entry…how I discovered that I actually have a Filipino accent when I speak English. But more recently, I just realized how Filipino habits die hard.

American: ”Wow, so you have a college degree?”

Me: “Yes, I graduated in 2002″

American: “What did you graduate?”

Me: “Communications!”

After priding myself in being a Communications graduate… 

Me: “I’ll check out the menu” (as in me-noo)

American: “What did you say?”

Me: “Menu! The me-noo!”

American: “uhm…Men-yoo”

Ack! pakshet, tinuro na yan saken dati but it just slipped because I always used to hear ‘Miss penge ngang me-noo!”

Me: “In the Philippines, when boys court girls, they fetch them from the office”

American: “Fetch? You don’t use fetch! That’s a word for, you know, dogs. We use ‘pick-up’ Like “I’ll pick you up from the office”"

Me: “Oh yeah? Well we use pick-up for prostitutes so you shut up!”

(okay, I didn’t say that but arrgh, why did our school issue “Fetcher’s ID’s” to the yayas and drivers ha!?!)

American: “So do you prefer learning to drive a stick-shift or automatic?”

Me: “Oh, automatic. Because automatic is easy. It’s like driving a bump car”

American: “A bump car?”

Me: “You know, a bump car (making hand gestures like I’m steering a wheel and bumping something)”

American: “Oh, bumper cars…I see….”

Anakngpocha naman…eh naalala ko lagi ko sinasabi sa mommy ko, “Sakay ako bump car!”

THANK GOD some people find it cute when you do have an accent. So I’ll keep my probinsyana-twang.

At least I haven’t done anything yet that would merit something like this…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wvtvKwd1JgM

I remember this movie I chanced upon on TV a long time ago. I don’t know the title…I didn’t even finish the movie…just watched a bit of it. And in that bit that I watched, there was this girl (I think it was Holly Hunter but I’m not sure) and she was living alone. Her alone-ness was expressed so well in the scene…with her sitting alone, not doing anything….eating alone…her thoughts are said out loud in the movie…and she was thinking of this and that as she sat alone in her apartment. She was feeling so alone that she called for a male massage therapist. The male massage therapist came to her apartment and took off his pants. Ohhh…THAT kind of massage therapist.

I thought to myself, I don’t want to end up like that one day.

And yet, that’s exactly how I turned out years later…alone, in an apartment…well, I didn’t order a male massage therapist though. It was only recently that I discovered the ‘Tubero’ secret after all.

But this is not about that. I recently watched another film called “Stranger Than Fiction”. Again, it was about a man who was single and living alone…so alone that he counts his brush strokes when brushing his teeth and he lives out his day the same way everyday. Many films here center on being alone and sad. I don’t watch a lot of Filipino films but I don’t think we have a lot of sad movies. I remember watching movies with happy endings and dance numbers. Our favorites are Tito Vic and Joey and Dolphy. In the films, the characters are always surrounded by family and the ‘barkada’. Depressing movies in the Philippines may get critical acclaim…but don’t do well in the box office. We are happy-ending addicts. Does that reflect why we are a happier people?

Yes, yes, I know, happiness depends on each person’s decision to be happy. But I just wanted to explore why Filipinos here in America always say, “Mas masaya dun sa atin” (It’s happier there in our country), “Malungkot dito sa America” (It’s sad here in America)…and I even know Americans who have moved to the Philippines because they found that it really is happier there. A recent survey of the happiest countries even put the Philippines at number 17 while America is, I think, 23 or 27.

Living here for 5 months now, I think I understand more why people keep saying to me, “Malungkot dito sa America! Mas masaya sa Pilipinas!”

1. It’s a small, small world.

My original dream in high school was to go to UP for college. I did pass…but my mom got scared of sending me off to UP so she told me to enroll in Ateneo…even if the tuition would be hell. In my second year in Ateneo, I visited the UP campus. And I was just so glad that I didn’t go to UP. Why? Because UP is such a huuuuuge campus! So big that you have to take the Ikot-Toki jeeps! I liked it better that I was in a smaller campus because I could see my friends everyday even if they were from different courses. Just walking along the quad, I would find myself waving left and right at friends. I sometimes arrive at meetings late because on the way to the meeting, I bumped into several people and chatted a bit. If you had a crush on a guy, you could see him everyday at the caf or his tambayan (I would know because I was a stalker!).

It’s the same feeling being in Manila. You bump into friends at the mall…there are cool places where ‘everyone’ hangs out…it’s a small community and you don’t really feel alone. Here in the US, I have several friends….but don’t see them because they’re in different cities or different states! That means I have to fly there or be driven for hours there. When I step out here (I live in suburbia), all I see are houses…houses…houses. And no way for me to go anywhere fun because I can’t drive. In Manila, I could walk and be at a Starbucks in 5 minutes. I can commute to a mall or a bar. Oh and over here, Starbucks closes at around 10pm! There’s no tambayan in the suburbs at 2am! In the Philippines, we know everybody’s business. Over here, I don’t even know my neighbors…except for one lady who went up to me one day and asked me how my baby was. I said, “Huh?” She said, “Hindi ba ikaw yung buntis dati?” I said, “No, that was my sister!” She said, “Ahh…ikaw yung wala pang asawa!” Ahhh yes…thank you for pointing that out.

2. Bawal umehi dito. (I’m Pinoy and I’m used to doing things our way).
A couple months ago, my dad reluctantly took me to a Salon here at National City (where the Pinoys are). He considers the salon expensive and wanted to bring me to a barber or cut my hair himself. I said I was willing to pay for the salon. And so, off I went to this highly recommended Pinay stylist. I sat there…and she cut my hair. And then I paid her $18 plus tip. And left. So what’s my point here? Even if the cut was nice…I wasn’t happy. Why? Because they didn’t shampoo my hair, they didn’t massage me, they didn’t blowdry my hair after the cut and didn’t even brush away with baby powder all those little strands of hair that got left on my face and neck. For the price I paid, I could’ve gotten all those at Tony and Guy!

For those of us who were born and raised in the Philippines…and then went to America…there would be a period of adjusment wherein you realize that you are no longer in the Philippines… and you can no longer tip just your ‘barya’ here (tips are strictly enforced) or leave your junk on the fast food table or expect that there would be a ‘tabo’ in the ‘banyo’.

Yes, there are a lot of things better here and more convenient. But I’m just so used to the way things are in the Philippines. (And yes, over here I’m a promdi. And them Americans are not that patient with me. They sometimes get bitchy when I do something that they normally do…and I don’t know the SOP…they look at me like I’m stupid. I just want to tell them, “I’m prom da Pelepeyns! I’m FOB!”)

3. Tagalog anyone?
Yes, I can speak English very well (although I realized recently that I have an accent when I speak English….not as bad as the usual Pinoy accent…but I just don’t sound American at all). But my first language is still Tagalog. There are jokes and expressions we say in the Philippines that Americans won’t get (Like when I say, “Yuck feeling!” they don’t know that). We have expressions that have no equivalent in English. I just express myself better in tagalog or Taglish. One time, I wanted to say “Napipikon nako” in English. And I just couldn’t find the right way to say it while retaining the essence of how I feel. I ended up just saying “Uggghhhhh! Grrrrr!!!!! Ummmpppffff!” Even if I am considered good in English and I can converse well in English, I sometimes find myself just choosing to be quiet in one corner when there’s no one who speaks Tagalog.

4. Family
Filipinos are family-oriented. We live with our families until we’re married…or even when we’re married already. And no matter how frustrated we get with some family members, you gotta admit, there’s a sense of security that comes with knowing your family is around. In the Philippines, I started getting sick and feeling depressed only when I started living alone. I was always the happy kid when I had my family around despite how dysfunctional we were. When I was living with my sister after my parents left, we were always at each other’s throats. I would complain to my boyfriend then about how my sister was treating me. But when she got married and left…and I had o live in a condo alone…I immediately missed her. And everytime I stayed over at my brother’s or sister’s house, I’d always feel better no matter what was wrong in the other areas of my life (career or love life). Here in the US, I am living with my dad and stepmom. And even if it is quite sad being away from the Philippines, I still feel a sense of security being around parents again. Family is what you can count on all the time. Family are the people who stick with you no matter how fat or pimply you get. Family are the ones who stay with you even if every boyfriend you’ve had left you (amf! bitter!).

Here in the US though, I was told by my brother, “Oh, if you’re not out of the house by the age of 18, you’re a loser”. Oh my God…I’m 27….so that makes me a major loser! I went to a high school a couple weeks ago and the mom of a graduating student just said she was shipping her son off to Chicago for college and ‘no way he’s gonna be staying at home!’

5. Mababaw ang kaligayahan.
Give us a magic sing and we are happy. Let us go to the beer house after office hours to chillax and we are happy! It takes little to make us happy. Somehow, we’re not that stressed even if we have a ’stressful’ job. I went to Cebu one time and marvelled at how relaxed and laid back everyone was compared to Manila. And yet, if you compare Manila to here, we’re still more laid back. We like enjoying…even if it’s a week day. We like enjoying…even if there’s not much money to hold a debut party for our 18 year old daughter….Sige, kahit sa garahe nalang o sa basketball court, maka debut lang! That may be bad…but yeah, we’re enjoying…

6. Liberty and Chaos
Americans sacrificed some of their liberties for order. It is wonderful here…everything is orderly and there are rules that protect you (like you can’t just cross the street, you have o press a button and wait for the light). But my gosh…you can get sued for anything! If someone trips inside your store, you get sued! In the Philippines, that’s your ‘katangahan’ if you slip=P In our office in the Philippines, I can say green jokes all I want…I can say jologs jokes all I want…over here, you always have to be careful. You can be charged of sexual harrassment, racism, intolerance and what have you. In the Philippines, getting a license is easy…getting out of a traffic ticket is easy…under-the-table and ‘lagay’ can take care of everything. Over here, you gotta follow the rules. I don’t know which I’d rather have…on the one hand, i love all the order and safety…on the other hand, I have to be on my toes all the time.

7. Pasok kayo!
Now here’s the reason non-Filipinos fall in love with our country. Aside from our beautiful beaches, beautiful women, delicious mangoes etc., we are truly hospitable and welcoming. We treat foreigners like celebrities! We welcome them in our country…we treat them like special guests. Even Filipino-Americans who come home…they find great jobs as hosts or dj’s on the radio. Some people who were losers in their countries get treated like royalty in our country. (My brother has a nice looking white friend here who can’t get girls for some reason. I thought he was really cute. But my brother said he’s soooo ordinary here and that he was a loser. I said, “Well, tell him to go to the Philippines, he’s gonna be a heartthrob there!”). Those who can’t get girls in their own countries get draped with women in the Philippines. We just love ‘em foreigners don’t we? (this is both good and bad…as we have assimilated so much of other cultures that we are losing some of our good traditional traits)

I’ve always wondered when I was in grade school why we are taught in Sibika at Kultura that Filipinos are hospitable. Hospitable…what the heck…sounds like a strange thing to pick for a cultural trait. It is only now that I fully understand just how hospitable we are and that not all cultures are as hospitable. We are warm-hearted, welcoming people. When you drop by a typical Pinoy’s home, the first thing you’ll hear is “Pasok kayo, pasok, wag kayong mahiya, pasok…” (Come in, come in…) If the person is eating…no matter how poor the person is, he will invite you, “Kain!” (Eat!). I once walked into our pantry before in my previous job in Manila and happened upon the janitors eating with their hands from one communal plate filled with rice and a little tuyo. When they saw me, they all said, “Miss Sorsi, kain!” I laughed about it with my friend but at the same time, it was nice of them to offer even if they had so little….and they knew I made twice what they made and that I would probably be eating McDo that lunch. How courteous. And that’s the way we are too with our country…it seems like we just keep telling people, ‘Pasok kayo, pasok…sige, kain!”

***

The Philippines is home. And of course, Filipinos who leave will miss home. But so far, I’ve been talking to some younger immigrants and they have told me that it’s not true that you can’t be happy here. One Filipina mom said to me, “Hindi naman totoo yun na malungkot dito. Siyempre mamimiss mo ang Pilipinas kasi taga dun ka. Pero masaya rin naman dito. Depende nayun sayo kung ano nagpapasaya sayo.” (It’s not true that it’s sad here. Of course you’ll miss the Philippines because you’re from there>But it’s also happy here. It all depends on what makes you happy) Another immigrant I spoke to was from a younger batch in Ateneo. And she said to me that she also got sad and depressed at first because all her friends were in the Philippines. But when she finally went to visit after 5 years of staying in the US, she couldn’t wait to come back here (US) already. She said she forgot how hot it was in Manila. Also, she realized her friends have all moved on and changed…the closeness was gone (That I can understand. I mean, before I left, everyone said they’d keep in touch…and that they’ll miss me. But only a few really kept in touch=P And I’m sure many have forgotten about me already!).

My dad wishes that we would all (my family) be living here in the US one day. And at first, I was terribly scared and negative about it. I would miss the Philippines so much. Over there, I’m Sorsi…here, nobody knows me. I was afraid I was going to be one of those Filipinos who keep saying bitterly “Malungkot dito!” But then hey, I was born and raised in the Philippines…I lived there for 27 years…I AM a ‘Happy Pinoy’…I have it in me… and I bring that wherever I may be. Kahit saan man mapunta, kaibigan…Happy Pinoy parin tayo..diba?=P